The latest litany of events in the life of our PM began just two weeks ago. In a rare revelation, Prime Minister Bravo Jollyone talked of his enthusiastic participation in domestic duties. He focused on a recent bout of jam making. Bravo claims that in the short time he was able to spend in the No 10 kitchen one recent Friday evening, he produced 10 jars of jam. As his wife, Carryon, was putting their young children to bed at the time, it seems the PM did most of the task unaided. In typical Bravo style he described it is a, ‘Tour de sauce, one that really hit the sweet spot’.
As the story attracted significant media attention, Downing Street made the most of it, issuing the following statement.
‘The culinary efforts of Prime Minister Jollyone in single-handedly producing this exquisite supply of jam is a highly significant achievement. Not only is it a testament to his extraordinary breadth of hands-on skills and attention to detail, both domestic and political, but it sets him apart from all others. It is the first time in British History – and perhaps in World History – that a current leader has delivered such a culinary feat.’
Inevitably, these highly positive accounts attracted criticism. Some doubt if Bravo did in fact make the jam, others question the significance of the act. On the latter point, perhaps the most damaging repost was the release of a faded black and white photograph claiming to be a previous – but as yet unidentified PM – holding a spoonful of jam above a half-empty jar. This quickly spread across social media with the hashtag #DoneB4.
At first Downing Street tried to ignore these reports, but as criticism continued, a response was finally forthcoming from Foreign Secretary Miss Fuss. In a lengthy explanation on Breakfast TV, she pointed out that, ‘Not only is it totally unclear if this is a photograph of a previous PM, even if it is, his actions are open to many different interpretations. We do not know if he was making jam and spooning it into the jar or, far more likely, removing a spoonful of jam from the aforementioned jar for his own consumption. Which he was, of course, fully entitled to do.’
Home Secretary, Potty Prattle, later added, ‘Even if this unidentified person was in the process of making jam, we do not know how much help he might have had, whereas our Prime Minister completed his task unassisted. Furthermore, this photograph shows only one – I repeat one – jar of jam. The PM made an unprecedented 10 jars. Even if one jar of jam was made by this entirely unknown person, our Prime Minister’s world beating output was ten times greater. Or to put it another way, that amounts to a productivity increase of one thousand per cent. One thousand per cent more jam!’
Although he has since been repeatedly asked for further details, Bravo remains unclear about what type of jam he had made, adding to doubts about the veracity of his claim. He simply says, ‘It’s all about seasonality and making the most of what was at hand. It could be this berry or that berry, it doesn’t matter which. What matters is that we are prolonging the life of nature’s offerings. We are creating calorific conservation, helping to feed the people. This is further evidence of our Government’s commitment to sustainability, where we are once again taking the lead.’ Jollyone emphasised that he had reused glass jars, calling it, ‘Another example of our policies in action, our commitment to recycling, putting us at the forefront in saving the planet.’
He didn’t stop there. In a later interview, the PM said he was going to send 4 jars of the jam to the Northern Powerhouse as, ‘Yet more proof that this Government is delivering on our levelling up agenda with ground-breaking initiatives.’ The PM concluded, ‘This historic achievement, and the significant socioeconomic benefits it brings, clearly demonstrates that we can indeed have jam today.’